What's normal anyway?

I've been frequenting message board about loss and the trials and tribulations of losing a baby.  And I've found that the most commonly asked question is "When will this get better".  Now that is a heavy question, and the answer is even worse; "Who knows?" .  Its hard for me to write a lot of advice on loss and coping because coping is such a personal thing. There are so many emotions that a woman(or couple) can go through after a loss.  Feelings of failure, embarrassment, anger, jealousy, and outright rage.  Of course there is also simple sadness, which turns out its never simple. 

With my 2nd and third loss my main emotion was embarrassment. I wasn't aware that a woman could FEEL embarrassed by losing a baby. But I was. I had been excited and hopeful, all of those things that a new mom should be, but I was such a fool. I should've been skeptical and cautious.. Not happy.  I realize now that this was me being a normal Expectant mom! Not a deranged fool, but you could've fooled me then.

My best advice?  My last loss was in January of 2010, so its easy for me to sit back and say this, but I will anyway; Let time do its thing. Cry when you're sad and feel normal when you can, and just let the days pass until you feel ok with your new normal.  

The techincalities of a loss. Aka the Gloom Post.

I've called my D&C(Dilation and curettage) The easy part of losing my babies, and for me it was. A D&C is defined as the dilation  of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping. It sounds harsh when it comes down to it, but for most people D&C's are not only fairly painless, but quick an easy as well.

Of course as with any medical procedure it goes without saying(but we'll say it anyway) that it is not without its complications, these complications can include risk of infection, bleeding or uterine perforation.

Like I said, for me personally My d&c's were pretty uneventful, the worst part of them was the waiting around and the knowledge of what was about to happen.  I had very little bleeding with the 1st and the 3rd d&c I had, and some period like bleeding with my 2nd d&c.

The emotional aspects of it were the worst, and there are a few things you may want to be aware of.  I do not know if this is the case with all hospitals, but the hospital I had my d&c's were Catholic hospitals. Bbirth remains were viewed as a life and I needed to make a decision about what to do with the remains.  Disposing as medical waste wasn't an option, and I'm pretty sure that I am ok with that, seeing as they were my BABIES.  They offered burial at a mass grave in the catholic cemetery near the hospital, another would be a private burial at our expense. We had no choice but to opt for the mass burial, private burials would be a bit more than we could afford.  There is something calming about knowing they were buried together though.

We were given some good advice from the hospital staff, the best advice we got was that we should name the baby. We didn't know the sex of any of them, but we were pretty sure they were boys.  It felt good to give them an identity and I recommend that to anyone who has lost a baby.  Saying "loss #1" and "loss #2" isn't as personal as saying "Tyler" or "Dylan". 

The best advice I can give anyone suffering a loss is to let time do its thing. Cry when you feel like crying, and don't beat yourself up when you are having a good day. There is no time range for healing, none at all. Keep in mind the people that love you, they may do & say things that you find insensitive, but they just don't know unless they've been through it themselves.